The bowel is a funny old thing…

We had the privilege of this wonderful feature being written in the October 2015 edition of Verve Magazine. We are now uploading it to the blog for you all to enjoy!

Something so seemingly fundamental and basic that most people don’t even have to think about it, yet there is nothing more frustrating than when it goes wrong. My own rather embarrassing intestinal issues have reduced me to tears on countless occasions. For someone that doesn’t suffer with any kind of digestive problem this seems utterly bizarre – quite apart from the fact that poo is a completely taboo subject in polite company, it is hard for people to comprehend how much of a massive impact it can have on your daily life. It’s not just an aesthetic thing – sure, it’s hard for me to feel attractive with such a massively bloated stomach. The dull pain in my side, the fatigue and my inability to concentrate does nothing to improve the situation. Caring for myself at a basic level becomes tiresome. My skin is weathered and aged, my sleeping is affected, I have poor appetite and I struggle to enjoy social events as I once could – I always have to be worrying about whether I can go to the toilet before, or will I need to go while I’m out? What if I spend ages in there? I can’t bear the thought of people asking questions and waiting for me as I try in vain to evacuate my obstructed bowels. I’m stressed because I can’t go to the toilet, and I can’t go to the toilet because I’m stressed.

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It is, for this reason, that I find myself perched on a squishy black sofa in Church Street Therapy Rooms, located in the heart of Maidstone, ready to begin my journey of change. My two therapists, Jane and Sue, are positively delighted with my condition – “I love poo!” exclaims Jane. She reassures me that this is the beginning of a fresh start.

1 The first part of my journey is the Lorisian food test which is a simple blood test – surprisingly painless – and will reveal any food intolerances that may be contributing to my problems. I can expect the results within a couple of weeks, when the girls will see me again for an in-depth review of the results.

2 Lymphatic drainage with Sue supports detoxification by clearing excess fluid from the body, reducing puffiness. The lymphatic system is an integral part of the immune system and works to reduce catarrh (a buildup of phlegm and mucus), toxins and waste from the body in order that they do not collect and lead to possible autointoxication. It has no circulation of its own and requires movement to help prevent a blockage. If this movement is compromised, it can become sluggish and coagulated with a buildup of fluid. Sue’s Ultratone machine stimulates a pumping and deep massage action to help encourage movement of the fluids around the body, reducing puffiness, thickened ankles and tired legs. This is, she tells me, especially beneficial before a colonic.

3 Next I am swept into Jane’s room and, after a quick chat during which she collects some basic medical and dietary information, she confirms that a colonic would be very beneficial for my symptoms. The treatment is safe and gentle, I felt very relaxed and found Jane’s presence comforting and reassuring. She chats to me throughout and I find her warm and intuitive, easy to open up to – it felt rather like an intimate therapy session (combined with a luxury poo) and enabled me to leave both my physical and metaphorical c#!$ behind!

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For the grand finale and my dull, lifeless complexion, Sue performs her magical microdermabrasion which brings my skin back to life with a sparkle and a glow.

B. Williams, Verve Magazine (October 2015)